it's the end of 2019, 31st December 2019. & tomorrow it's a new year, where you basicly will need to tell people you are 31yo. i just lost the whole one year this year because i still think i am 29yo just because my birthday is in December where actually i'm already 30 in 2019. lol. But it really hit me today that i'm no longer in my 20s.
Just for my reference (Fannie in future, if you suddenly feel loss in your life), at this moment, i finally could say to myself that i'm genuinely happy with my life. When i said i'm happy, doesnt mean that there's no challenge in my life, nope tak. My life is still full of shit, setbacks and changes but at the same time i'm truly happy. Kind of contradicting kan?
In the past years, i was depressed, confused and i tried to fix everything and pull myself together but my life didnt get any better, instead i cried at night thinking why i couldnt pull myself back again. And one day, i decided to stop. Yup. I stop to fix my life, i stop to be better.
I started to let my life unfold by itself, orang kata go with the flow. i started to lower my expectations towards life and tried my best to accept the reality and the disappointments as well. for example, i accept that i will always be fat as long as i have my thyroid problems, i accept that my friends would not be with me everytime as everyone have more commitment, i accept that i am not really good in handling people at work so i dont go for any managerial role anymore, and i also accept that i might not even get marry in this life (wow, macam ade next life lak kau pikir lol)
It wasnt easy seriously, as i always want the best of me. At that moment, it become one of the lowest point in my life but surprisingly, i did overcome it. it was like a turning point. i started to cut toxic people out of my life, i started to care less about things that wont help me in life, i kept my circle of friends small, i started to understand the thing people always said; "some thing are not meant to be yours, will never meant to be yours". Ni kot orang cakap 'cukup dah makan garam' & it feels so nice.
It took me 30years to finally realised this, and i am really happy that i'm finally come peace with myself. I hardly become stress over small things nowadays. Friends bailed me out last minute? okay go wayang alone. Boss needs me to settle works at wrong time. just say no. No one is free for holiday, ok go alone. Home wifi buat hal, ok tidor esok baru fikir. Job no longer satisfy you. ok hantar notice berhenti and starts look for new job. People judging you? Takdehal. So what, you think i dont judge you also ke?. LOL. but admist all this, i really hope i dont hurt other people's feeling along the way because this thing will come back to you doh, seriusly. So with not heavy heart, lets bid to 2019, to my 20s, and to all miserable budak-budak kind of attitude. Annyeong.
i know in future, things might be different. But as for now, i'm going to enjoy this life with happiness. & i hope you also. Yes, you. Whoever reading this now.
Peace.
